Insult to injury
by Powered by Steam
Summary: Rikkie Stromberg takes on Millennium in a battle of the insults. (First fanfic, I suck at summaries, please review, strong language, sexual innuendo...ect...ect.) ON HOLD.
1. Chapter 1

_**I don't own any of the characters except my own (Rikke)…**_

Lucas and Sebastian were enjoying a 'well earned' break, standing behind the disused dustbins in the muggy heat, the moon high over their heads. Later on they would die at the hands of a fledgling, but that wasn't known to them-they were the sort of people that didn't really see (or care) past next Tuesday.

Even though technically dead, they still took long drags of their cigarettes while leaning against the back of the bin, laughing at each other's rude jokes and the occasional imitation of their superiors. It was during one of these imitations (Lucas was pulling off a remarkably good impersonation of the feared Zorin Blitz) that a very strong heartbeat, accompanied by laboured breathing and the stench of sweat, made its appearance by collapsing on the other side of the perimeter fence.

The two carefully slunk over, sobering up at the thought of the potential free lunch. The chain link fence crackled and hummed with electricity, and the top was crowned with mean looking barbed wire, which was a shame (It wasn't the electricity or barbed wire they were worried about, it was the silent alarm that ran straight to the Majors quarters), because they were on one side while the sprawled over figure was on the other. Sighing in disappointment, Sebastian turned around, primed to stalk back to their bins; then whine, bitch and moan about the unfairness of it all. Lucas stopped him with a hushed "Shouldn't we tell someone?" Sebastian opened and shut his mouth a few times, evaluating another cigarette and no work for a half hour against running around the base looking for their superior officer, Zorin Blitz.

Almost (and unfortunately) on cue, the terrifying first lieutenant stormed the three feet or so into the foliage after them, grabbed their shirt collars and effectively threw them back onto the tarmac. Landing on their arses, the looked up and the intimidating figure of Zorin. They didn't bother explaining what they were doing slacking off or their discovery, the shit storm of barrage and abuse came thick and fast. "YOU TVO IDIOTS! VHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?! YOUR SHIFT STARTED UN HOUR AGO!" To Lucas and Sebastian, Zorin's rage was turned down to a dull roar, as they waited for the first lieutenant to run out of steam...

When the irate woman finally did, she loomed over them –tattoos seeming to writhe over the half of her face- and growled a threat "If I EVER catch EITHER of you tvo slacking again…you can both say gutbye." She watched briefly as the two men scuttled off like frightened mice and allowed herself a sneer. Looking towards the tree line, she light her own cigarette behind a cupped hand and stalked to see what they were drooling over.

_**A/N: ASDFGHJKL this is my first submitted fanfiction, so don't hate me too much if it all goes horribly wrong! I tried adding some German vocabulary in, and if I got anything wrong PLEASE tell me…actually, tell me if there are any grammatical or spelling errors? Reviews please, until next tiem**_

_**~ Steam**_


	2. Chapter 2: Rikkie Vs Millennium part 1

Captain Hans loomed behind the Major, watching Zorin explain what she had found. A young human girl had apparently managed to wonder far enough away from the nearest town to get lost. After listening to Zorin's short summary the Major leaned over his steepled hands, that stupid sneer still on his face. Sometimes Zorin wanted to hit him until he stopped smiling and started screaming, but she made do with grinding her teeth until he decided which course of action to take.

After debating with the other voices in his head, Major decided that, maybe, finding out what she was doing so far from home would be beneficial, since they could question her about the state of the world, or hand her over to Doc for experiments. Telling at Zorin to fetch the young girl, he dismissed her with a wave of his hand. Rubbing his temples, Major Montana Max continued with his Sudoku.

The First Lieutenant picked up the limp body of the girl and slinging her over her shoulder and, much to her surprise, got a grunt and a slurred "Not now..." The sun was on its way, so she took the shadiest rout inside, past the two men that had discovered the girl earlier, who eyed her nervously before ducking their heads and getting on with their work.

They got some weird looks walking through the corridors, the various soldiers looking at them with a mixture or fear, curiosity and amazement. Here was a human, utterly helpless, with one of the most feared officers and the human was still alive. Zorin either ignored these looks or raised her lip in a silent snarl.

When they finally reached Major and tied the girl to a chair, she woke up and started wiggling, whining and generally being irritating. It was almost instantly obvious that the child had a very short attention span. She had listened to the conversation between Doc and the Major for a few minutes and then started looking around the room, sitting in a chair and swinging her legs. Every so often she'd drag the heels of her converse across the floor, making a scraping, squeaking noise that would get them all, bar Major and Doc, to look at her with annoyed glares.

Then came the yawning, each one was loud and long. Occasionally they'd catch on and Schrodinger (who'd appeared at random intervals throughout the day, alongside various senior officers) would yawn also. The yawning, scraping, whining and general low-level irritation that radiated from the child eventually got to the Major, who turned around and looked at her, then asked her name.

"Riiikkkiee~" Chirruped the girl, Rikkie, and smiled at them. While she was smiling, one of her eyes twitched in a different direction to the other, ever so slightly. Schrodinger, always one to state the obvious, practically shouted from behind the major "SHE'S VEEEEEIIIRD."

"Yeah, and you're a pussy, so shut the fuck up." Rikkie retaliated, scowling at him, the smile gone. There was silence, they all stared at her.

"What? Am I the only interesting thing you've seen? Go stare at the wall." She squared her shoulders in a way that radiated 'come at me bro'. Most of the room was speechless, apart from Montana Max, who always had something to say. "You are being very disrespectful, do you know vhere you are?"

"I'm not particularly bothered, but no wonder the equator is missing."

Everyone was silent. You could've heard a pin drop.

"You're wearing it as a belt."

For once, the major wasn't smiling, his voice was tight and he looked fit to burst. "Captain Hans, please…remove…her." And Hans, in his usual silent manner moved to take her from the room.

"Oh my god, you make my goldfish look talkative." Hans stopped, halfway through untying the knots. He didn't say anything; it was Rip who exploded for him. "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!"

"Tough, I just did. Now, would you wear socks if you didn't have any feet?" Rikkie looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "No…"

"Then why do you wear a bra, if you don't have any boobs?"

**And on that note, we come to the end of this chapter. :3 please Review, I'll be a happy idiot then!**


	3. Chapter 3: Rikkie Vs Millennium part 2

**A/N: Short filler/chapter~**

In the short time between waking up and being forced back to sleep with the help of some chloroform, a full scale shouting match had nearly resulted in Rips rifle being forcibly shoved up her rear…

_A few minutes earlier…_

The silence was so profound it made the other silences look like white noise. Rip Van Winkle was speechless, her face livid. Rikkie had wiggled her hands out of her bonds and had them being her head, and was sporting a triumphant grin. "You guys.." She drawled, her American accent highlighting her words nicely "You guys just make this _too _easy." Doc was biting his finger, the Major was looking at Rikkie closely for the first time, Zorin gave her the deadliest look she had, and Hans was being stoic as usual. Rip was standing there, 10 feet away from Rikkie, her mouth now working wordlessly and brandishing her rifle like a sword.

"Vhat. Did. You. Just. Say?!"

Rip was now a few inches away, slitted blue eyes boring into open green ones. "Go do one, twat." Rikkie didn't even bat an eyelid, but she had a smug air about her. "In fact!" She continued "I'll tell you EXACTLY where to shove that rifle of yours~!" Schrodinger had appeared at Rips side, looking for all the money in the world like he was enjoying the other officers being insulted by someone half their age. "You can shove is STRAIGHT UP YA JACKSIE~!"

It was practically shouted into Rips face, and accompanied by a childish raspberry. Rip was bodily removed from the room, shouting death threats at Rikkie.

Who was in her seat

Practically howling with laughter.

Which stopped fairly quickly when Zorin grabbed her by the throat on lifted her out of the chair, growling like a caged lion. "Gak…before you kill me…" Rikkie asked between gasps.

"Yes.."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Make it quick."

"Are you a girl" she coughed and wriggled around "Or a boy?"

**I just love leaving it on something like that~ Thanks to my two lovely first reviewers Unknown Being and Kellie! Please review~! I'm thinking about wrapping this up in a few more chapters, and trust me, the ending I have in mind is gonna mindf*ck you all!**

**Until next tiem ~STEAM!**


	4. Chapter 4: Rikkie Vs Millennium part 3

Zorin shook the diminutive Rikkie, who was turning an interesting shade of blue. A clatter and an ominous crack gave cause for all eyes to turn down…and a nokia brick had made a crack in the floor, along with a pair of aviators. Schrodinger decided now was a good time to put in an appearance and pried Zorin's fingers off from Rikkie's neck, and after backhanding Schrodinger into a wall and mouthing 'I'll kill you' to Rikkie, First Lieutenant Blitz stormed out, probably going to think of creative ways to carry out her threat. After getting her much needed breath back, she picked up aviators and the nokia, and began to look through the messages.

The ever-owlish Doc appeared at her shoulder, looking down enquiringly at the phone. "Vhat is that…device?"

"It's a phone….Ff-oh-ne" She said snarkily, moving the phone screen out of his line of sight. Looking at the crack in the floor, Doc frowned "How did such a small device crack the floor?" Biting back another remark, Rikkie looked down at the phone that started buzzing furiously in her palm. Moving like a cat on crack, Doc picked the phone out of her hand and held it, reading the message.

"Enough with the Nazi jokes, they make me fhurious." He read aloud, the German accent in his voice lending the message an added layer of hilarity for Rikkie, who burst out laughing. "Gotta love Cowboy" she said between snorts. As she laughed, Doc slyly tucked the phone into a pocket. Rikkie made an emotional about-turn and shouted at him. "GIVE THAT BACK!" her southern drawl became more pronounced with every word, "Give that back to half-arsed, bellyshirt wearing, butt-ugly DICK HEAD!" she finished, kicking him in the shin and wrestling her phone off of him.

"It is not a YourPhone, it is not a WePhone. It is a MYPHONE."

And so, to add to the growing list of butthurt Nazis, Jan Valentine strolls in, grinning with his face full of piercings. He came in at the right time to catch the tail end of Rikkies insults and witness the beating up of Doc (Who didn't put up much of a fight anyways). "Woah, who's the new bitch." He asked, in his typical blunt manner.…

**A/N: AAANNNND another cliff hanger~ No, Rikkie isn't going to die. If you get the Nokia joke you get an internet cookie! I'm running out of ideas about how to get from here to the already written ending...help would be appreciated! If you drag yo' but over to my profile and have a look at the bit that says 'name: sam...' you'll see 'Cowboy'...he/she will be in my next fanfiction! Until next tiem! ~STEAM!**


	5. SORRY GUYS

**OKAY, SO THIS ISN'T ACTUALLY A CHAPTER, BUT I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO END THIS STORY. I HAD A COUPLE OF CHAPTERS TYPED OUT AND EVERYTHING, THEN MY COMPUTER BROKE SO I BASICALLY HAVE NOTHING. IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE ME A WHILE TO REWRITE EVERYTHING, SO IF YOU WANT TO SUGGEST ANYTHING FOR AN ENDING, PUT IT IN THE REVEIWS OR PM ME.**

**THANKS**

**STEAM~**


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